Taking Control

Sometimes life leads you in an entirely new direction whether you want to go or not.
I finally got tired of fighting everything so I gave in and have started a new journey.

I've decided to quit swapping for awhile. I'm going to focus on my art journaling. I'm going to use it for fun, learning techniques and also for healing.
I have a few swaps to finish up and get mailed at the end of the month and then I'm free to immerse myself in my new journey.

I've decided that I need to make some changes in 3 areas of my life;
Physical
Emotional
Spiritual.

This is how I'm going about it.....

Physical - 
Now that my back is healed its time to get back to my healthier habits. 
*I'm going to get back in the gym
*Do yoga or stretching at least three times a week so I can limber up again
*Count calories
*Drink my water. No more soda except on weekends and no more fraps except on Fridays
*Wear my fitbit and get my steps back up to 10,000+
*Do squats and leg machines at the gym to strengthen my legs. They're really weak after my back injury. The other day I went to climb up on the porch (1 step) and my leg buckled, I fell off the porch and twisted my ankle.
*In three weeks start working with my trainer again
*Use my art journal and my eating disorder workbook to help manage my binging.
Finding your Voice through Creativity 

Emotional - 
*Keep a daily gratitude journal
*Read Notes from the Universe daily and sign up for their emails
http://www.tut.com/Index/index
*Think more positive thoughts
*No complaining. I'm going to try and make it 21 days with no complaints.
http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/
*Get back to daily meditation

Spiritual - 
*Get a library card and start reading spiritual books about Paganism and Zen Buddhism
Right now I'm reading The Path of the Blue Raven and its a great book
*Take my pagan prayer book on nature walks and spend some quiet time meditating upon it
Pagan prayer book
*Learn about the different pagan paths and try to find my way closer to my creator
*Get back into enjoying nature
*Find people in meet ups who have the same beliefs as I do

So there you have it....
I had planned on going to the gym today but I left my windows open yesterday on my car and a storm blew in when I wasn't looking. I cant get in my car for a few days unless I want a wet behind. LOL
Instead I went for a lovely walk. Its a gorgeous day outside!

I weighed in. I'm now at 207.6. I gained 6.6 pounds while sitting around the last two months. I dont think that's too bad. I'm updating my weights and measures page again so you can keep track of my numbers there.

Here's a little art for you.
This is my steampunk pringles can:

Now its time to go to the grocery store. Oops, I cant go because of my wet car so instead its time to get into my paint clothes and have some artistic fun.

I hope you ALL have a wonderful, love and laughter filled day!

Deep Sadness

There is a deep sadness within me.
The darkness is growing more and more every day.
I cant sleep, I have trouble smiling, I'm just so damn sad.
I should be happy and bouncing up and down now that my back is healed. I have my life back, so why am I not happy?
This isn't depression from my meds not working. Is it odd that I can tell the difference between sadness and depression?

This blackness goes so much deeper then depression. This is life getting to me.
I just want to run away but I know I would just take my sadness with me. That totally sucks.
So why am I in this swamp of despair?
Because I'm empty. I'm only a shell of who I can be.
My spiritual life is dead.
I'm so damn lonely I could scream.
Finances, well lets not even go there.
I have to see the doctor AGAIN because my thyroid gland is so swollen it feels like a goose egg is in my neck.

I'll be 49 in thirteen more days. Wasn't life supposed to be easier by now?
Am I not supposed to know who I am by now or have myself together?
I should be surrounded by friends. I should have someone I can talk to and spill my heart to.
I should be somebody but I feel like a ghost. 

I just want to quit. Turn off the computer, pack a suitcase and walk away from everything.
Leave everything behind and never look back.
But what would that accomplish? Nothing,,, nothing at all.

I guess its time to get out my art journal and start working through things. Its time to find myself. Its time to find whatever god I believe in. LOL, yeah right. I've only been looking for what I believe in for about 40 years. Why in the world does my spirituality have to be so hard? WHY couldn't I have walked into a church and believed what they taught?

I really hate life right now and I feel bad about that. If I went to the doctor and found out I had cancer I bet I would appreciate my life no matter how rotten it is. But right now, I hate it. I want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up ever.

I'm so damn tired of life.

Beauty is Within Us - If Only We Could See It

Do Not Disturb and Before Photos

We had to make an ATC with the theme "Do not Disturb" in the Creative Art Journaling group...
My creative mind was leaning towards using crime scene tape and having a dead body chalk outline but then I went to the acupuncturist and had a great idea. It was so great I had to make a journal page out of it too....

Here is what I came up with:

The other day you saw my nice organized studio. Here are a couple pics of what it looked like before I attacked it....

 

I like it so much better the way it is now. 

That's it from me for today. I hope you moms have a fantastic Mothers Day!!!

My Studio is Finally Finished

Here's a look at my lovely, organized studio.
Tomorrow I get in there and destroy it. LOL

I tried not to move too fast or get too shaky with the video. I hope its okay.
Next time you see a video from my studio, the camera will be firmly in place, on a tripod facing downwards on my art journal so we can have some fun together.

Here we go....


That's it from me.
I hope you have a wonderful, love and laughter filled day.

Update on my Back and Health

Last Thursday something in my back popped and I ended up having an ambulance take me to the emergency room. That was the second time I had been in the emergency room at this particular hospital and it will be my last.
I arrive at the emergency room and the doctor comes in after who knows how long. He starts talking and his cell phone rings. He says "I have to get this"... and walks out. He returns after again who knows how long and don't you know, his cell phone rings and he leaves the room again.
This happened three times.
Holy Moly Batgirl, thank goodness I wasn't dying. The pain just made me want to be dead for awhile.

Finally my hubby pushed the call button and told them we would like to go home and someone needs to come in the room to make that happen. The same doctor comes in and man handles me. He has the nurse give me some pain meds in the IV (about time) and then he gives me three prescriptions and sends me home.

I woke up Friday morning feeling AWESOME!!!! Whatever popped in my back fixed most of the issues I've been having. I went out to a bunch of garage sales and then took my hubby out for the evening. I was flying high. It felt so good to be without pain and to laugh again. Those of you who know me know that laughter is number one in my book for living a wonderful life.

My left leg is still numb and tingly from the knee down but that will be fixed with some physical therapy. I saw the chiropractor today and he wouldn't adjust me. He said I'm perfect just the way I am and then I got a hug from the handsome fellow.
I see the spine doctor on Monday May 6th. I'm pretty sure there will be no surgery now. Yay!!!! I just need to find out out from him what I need to do in the future. I want to be back in the gym by my birthday, May 28th, and I don't want to get injured when I get back at it.

Now I'm dealing with withdrawals from the the narcotics I was taking. I'm sweaty and cold at the same time. I'm nauseous and have diarrhea. (Like you wanted to know that. LOL)
I've only been able to sleep about 15-20 minutes at a time because I get so hot that it feels like the room is on fire. The room spins any time it chooses without any warning. And the strangest thing; there is this AWFUL smell that's driving me insane. I've put Vicks up my nose and this smell over powers that!!! I asked my hubby if it's me that smells but he says no so apparently its just in my nose. OMG!!! It is YUCK!!! There's not a word to even get close to describing it. I would say the sweating, that smell and not sleeping are the worst things happening right now.
This is day 4 and I'm hoping this doesn't last much longer. I'm drinking lots of water hoping to flush this out of my system quicker. 

So there you go. That's my update. I'm planning on being back to making art by next week. I'm stubborn and I'm tired of not playing.

I hope you're all having a wonderful, love and laughter filled day!

Went on an Ambulance Ride

Something in my back popped today and sent such excruciating pain through the left side of my body that I couldn't walk or sit up. An ambulance was called and I got to spend the whole day in the emergency room.

The doctor would come in and start talking, his phone would ring, he would answer it and walk out. He would come back 30 minutes later, his phone would ring and he would walk out again. That went on all day. It wasn't until my hubby pressed the call button and said "we want to leave so get someone in here to make that happen" that the doctor showed up without his phone. He took the time to ask questions, did an exam (which was very hurried with no tenderness) and answered our questions.
Then he had the nurse give me three different shots for pain. Finally peace was found.
 He ended giving me some new prescriptions and said there's nothing more they can do.

I came home, went to bed and slept like a baby. Oh boy, did that feel good. I'm still pretty exhausted and will be going back to bed soon. Tomorrow I'll be calling the spine clinic to see if I can get in before May 6th.
I hope that this spine doctor knows what he's talking about. I've heard from various doctors that I need surgery and I don't need surgery. My disk is ruptured but no, its only bulging. The disk is pressing on a nerve and no the disk is not pressing on a nerve, And today this doctor asked if anyone had talked to me about the major arthritis spurs on my spine. Nope, that's the first time I heard of that.

At this point I don't care what's wrong or what's needed to fix it or even if it can be fixed. All I want is the pain level to go back down to something I can live with. I see the acupuncturist on May 9th and she is my light at the end of the tunnel.

One things for sure, tomorrow I'll be calling the insurance company and changing what hospital we use. U.W. is supposed to be so great but it has been absolutely horrible these last two times I've been there.

Tomorrow, once my phone calls are out of the way I'm going to do something nice for myself.  I'm going to the thrift store to walk around and see if I can find something fun to use for my art. Hopefully the weather will be nice and I can have my windows open and smell the fresh air.
Not only am I looking for art stuff but I'm hoping to find a cheap table that is high enough for me to stand at instead of sitting.

That's all from me tonight. I'm going to go plunk around for awhile and figure out which online art course I'm going to buy for my birthday.

Have a wonderful night everyone.

Real Beauty

I am Raeven.
I am overweight. I have gray hair and some acne. I am not perfect. I am not magazine model material.
I AM BEAUTIFUL...

That is TRUE for all of us...
I get on a rant with my best friend every time she starts putting herself down. I get on a rant when any woman I know starts to put herself down.
None of us are perfect. We are all unique. We should not compare ourselves to others. We should not define our beauty or self worth by our outer selves.That is only a small part of who we are.

I want women to see the whole picture of who they are. So what, they might have gray hair or be overweight or have crooked teeth. That is only the outside and not the whole picture.
Look deeper. Look inside. See how much you love others. See the kindness and generosity that lives within you. See how you take care of others. See what a wonderful wife, mother, friend, and sister you are. Now you're getting closer to how beautiful you really are.

We are unique. We are beautiful, wondrous, living, breathing snowflakes. And snowflakes are definitely not ugly in any way!
Its time we learned to accept our beauty and not push it aside.
It will not kill us or hurt anyone else if we finally see how beautiful we really are.
The world will not fall apart when we look at our complete selves and learn to love who we are.
We only live once. Do we want to spend the precious time that has been given to us hating who we are? Or would we rather accept who we are, love ourselves, and live life to the fullest?

I want to live my life. On my death bed I don't want to say I should have done more but I was embarrassed by my weight so I chose not to do the things I wanted to do.
What about you?
You know deep down you want to live a full life. You want to accept your beauty. You want to be free to be you. I say DO IT....

I think this video tells a great story of how us women are so out of touch with our complete selves.
http://realbeautysketches.dove.us/

Today I challenge you.
Today "BE YOU tiful"....



Lets end this with a music video that also has this message...



((((HUGS))) to all of you beautiful women.

New Art with more Graphic 45 Goodness

When I first opened up my Graphic 45 Secret Garden papers and goodies I thought the colors and patterns were a bit too much, but then I started working with it all and WOW!!!!
There's no end to what I can make with this collection. I plan on making a journal spread using these fantastic products and I know it will be beautiful. Maybe I'll use it for the cover of my art journal instead since I'm about to finish my second one. I think if you walked by a book that's covered with this Secret Garden Collection and some Prima flowers you couldn't help but pick it up to see what's inside.

Here's a mini book made from one sheet of 12x12 paper.
It's filled with tags and ATCs but I didn't get any pictures of those. Sorry.

Then we have some art journal pages: Some of these are on the darker side. I've been having a lot of back pain and I like to get those darker feelings out of me and onto paper. Pain, anger and other strong feelings make some great journal pages. Next time you're angry go ahead and make a journal page. I guarantee you it will be beautiful in some way.
As you look at these pages you'll also find some happy ones which means that my life is well balanced and I'm not drowning in the darkness.Yay me. LOL

 This is my first try at making a whimsical Suzi Blu type face. It seems that no matter what style I use to draw a face they come out looking sad or angry. More practice needed. LOTS of practice needed.

Speaking of practice: My birthday is next month and I want to take a class but can't decide which one to take. I've taken 3 classes with Gulfsprite already and love her courses. I would like to take another but I'm thinking maybe a change up would be better. I'm looking at Jane Davenports classes or I might take a drawing faces and painting faces class from Kat can Paint. Two for the price of one.
I would love to take them all but one at a time will have to be the way to go.
I'm hoping my best friend will buy me a gift certifictate to hobby lobby for my birthday. We always get something for each other and she knows I'm on a shopping freeze at the moment due to finances.
So for my birthday I would be able to go shopping plus take a new class. Sounds like a perfect birthday. 


Well, that's it from me tonight. I apologize for not updating my blog recently. I'll be getting back into my routine again and you'll have more updates from me.

Until next time, have a love and laughter filled day.

Graphic 45 Secret Garden Goodness

This is an accordion book made with a file folder for Art for the Creative Mind group. I finally got to dig into my Graphic 45 "Secret Garden" stash. It was pure spring goodness.

Front

Inside

Tags

After I finished the accordion book I just couldn't stand the thought of putting the Secret Garden collection away.
I grabbed a plain wooden plaque and gussied it all up using Secret Garden paper, some pearls which I colored using alcohol inks, then added some Prima flowers, a key and ribbon. Isn't it lovely?

That's it from me today.
I hope your weekend brings you love and laughter.